I hadn't known which light spot belongs to which building 'till Van told me about it.
"Really?" I nodded and looked it over intently.
Then we turned to another side where was quieter and darker.
As soon as I got there, a peculiar feeling grabbed me and I couldn't help but
lie down immediately on the terrace beside the valley.
Up above me extended a deep dark, cloudless sky, and a breeze caressed my face gently.
Comfortably closing eyes, I was fully immersed in great plenitude...
By and by I was in a trance and felt I was flying up in the air.
I could still remember the feeling clearly of being adrift in those big cities:
Perth, Sidney, Brisbane, Melbourne and Taipei, etc.
I seemed to belong to nowhere and had nothing to connect with.
Everything seemed unsure and frail; I didn't know how to do with myself.
Self-doubt and self-contempt tortured my soul in turns all the time,
making me weak and my soul fragmented.
I was dying to escape from this world but I could not escape from myself anyhow.
What shall I do with myself? I needed to find the answer.
What was the very meaning of my existence in this world?
All the joys and sorrows passed before my eyes, as vivid as if I could touch them directly.
I saw me walking along the Brisbane Riverside alone at night,
lying on the floor groaning feeling helpless, and standing before the Ayers Rock,
the sacred place of the local aboriginal people, feeling a holy power protecting me...
If she were capable of asking a question, it was because, in another universe, there was an answer.
Someone knew it even if she didn't.
She didn't need to understand the meaning of life;
it was enough to find someone who did, and then fall asleep in his arms and sleep as a child sleeps,
knowing that someone stronger than you is protecting you from all evil and all danger.
I felt myself being in communion with the universe at that moment,
which was followed by an irresistible impulse of subsiding into convulsive, soothing sobs.
Thrown into an ecstasy, I was totally losing control of myself for a while.
Finally, there came a sign that guided me back to the earth.
At one point, I had lost my directions, not exactly knowing what had happened.
Are you telling me to land here...? To give it a try...?
And I woke up.
Van still sat by my side and the bicycles had been transferred to a safer place.
"Ha, I seem to sleep for a long time. It's really nice," I was a bit embarrassed for falling unconscious
for such a long time in the presence of another guy whom I had seen less than 3 times.
It was a quiet night, and my heart was also filled with serenity.
Though I still didn't have a clear idea about what I shall do next,
I was kind of being tempted to follow the impulse in spite of myself.
I could felt there was a conflict between the sense and sensibility inside me.
You are free before the sun of the day, and free before the stars of the night;
And you are free when there is no sun and no moon and no star.
You are even free when you close your eyes upon all there is.
But you are a slave to him whom you love because you love him,
And a slave to him who loves you because he loves you.
I didn't want to be involved in it: to lose control of myself,
to be forced to a slave to someone I might love; it's not what I desired.
However, I couldn't erase all of this.
I still desired the warmth of Love.
If your heart is a volcano how shall you expect flowers to bloom in your hands?
Maybe I should really give it a try.
"But how will I know who my soulmate is?"
"By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for Love.
As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end."
From deep of my heart I knew my love is not ever unconditional;
it only occurs in the condition: Through loving you, I could love myself much more deeply.
Because you love me and I love you, I could love myself.
I need a lot more, more love, but, however, I couldn't give it to myself directly.
I have to make it through someone else.
And in your eyes, I could see the figure of myself.
Then I said, "I love you."
In fact, I want to say to myself as well.
Is that a bit mean or unfair?
When I stood a clear mirror before you, you gazed into me and saw your image.
Then you said, "I love you."
But in truth you loved yourself in me.
Maybe I'm not so selfless, but I, at the same time, seriously love you because you love me.
There's no way that I could see a clear image of mine in anyone else's eyes.
It must be a special person. I don't care who you are, where you are from,
or other material conditions you have as long as you love me.
And, in my life, there will be no Dark Night because of the light in your eyes.
Then I could feel complete and safe, and snuggle up to you contentedly for the rest of my life...
Every human being has the needs to love and be loved, and everyone was born to be happy.
But why do I still have difficulty in getting used to this fact and making a change?
What is outside is harder to change than what is inside.
I could change my mind with not much difficulty but as to changing my routine life
because of somebody seems not to be so acceptable.
I don't want to be controlled by somebody, even to the slightest content.
I don't belong to anyone else; I belong to myself.
That's what I always believe in all my life.
I'm just reluctant to be someone's someone.
Maybe I need more time to make a change, to figure out all of this and create a better life.
It was in the deep of the night when we set out back to the city.
On one spot, we stopped to watched, from another angle, the night view of Taipei.
We sat down on the terrace by the roadside and Van started to talk about something.
But I wasn't listening to it absorbedly; my thoughts were wandering far away
as I nestled against Van's chest listening to the beat of his heart.
The vibration has created a peculiar resonance in my heart, making me feel so good...
It has been around 3 a.m. by the time I came back home.
Everything seemed so surreal to me.
- Jul 20 Tue 2010 16:12